“Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
Norman Cousins
September 2009 was a death of what I had known and loved for over 25 years. It was a loss of deep relationships, friendships, dreams, and of a lifestyle. Death brings sorrow no matter the extent of the loss. Grief affects all of us in very different ways. How do you deal with grief?
I cried for awhile. I wept. I wept deeply. Then I stepped into denial mode and decided to become super woman and stop crying. Unfortunately my mantra back then was “get over it”. So that strong willed control freak inside me, rose up and decided to ignore all my feelings of pain, anger, loss, hurt and weakness. I took revenge on the circumstance that had tripped me up by starting a counseling business. An “I’ll show you” attitude overtook my sanity I think! I justified my decision of course, with, I’m called to encourage and help people. This will help me get through my “stuff”!! You know, the ‘if you need healing pray for someone else’s healing’ theory. Can I just tell you, that theory doesn’t work when you are overwhelmed with grief and feelings of betrayal.
I look back now and say to myself...“What were you thinking?” I wasn’t! I was doing! And doing, and doing anything I could to not think. Not think about the pain, anger, loss, hurt and weakness. And yes, even the hate I was feeling! I remember one day breaking down in anguish (which was something I rarely did). I called a friend and when she said hello I began to weep. The cry came from a deep place inside me. I didn’t even recognize myself. But as soon as I said the word hate and expressed that I was feeling that...that “word” that no one was supposed to feel, or at least you weren’t ever supposed to admit it! As soon as I said it out loud I felt a burden lift off of me that was tangible and quite amazing.
So needless to say I told my few clients I was counseling, I was going to take a break and take care of some of my own issues. I realized at that point how I had covered up all my true feelings and had denied their existence all together. When that happens we cannot move forward, we are stuck and no matter what we “say”…the truth will eventually manifest in some crazy way to get our attention.
God is so loving and faithful even when we are not. When we let God out of that box we have created for Him and out of the four walls of the church building, He will show us things far above what we can dare to think or even imagine. All we have to do is become aware of God’s power, His Spirit and His love. He will do the rest!
I pray you will begin to recognize all the small and large miracles God has for you everyday. Begin to stop and say Thanks...you will be so amazed with the results.
